How The Family Surffers and what it can do

As the problems increase, they suffer from isolation, depression, emotional/ physical illness and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

Guilt is a common and overwhelming feeling. Culturally, the wife or parents are usually blamed squarely for the addict's problems. This leads to a lot of self-blame and consequently to deep shame.

With an addict in the family, the family experiences lot of loss - loss of prestige, of family ties, of personal dignity, of feelings of love, of friends, of finances… the list goes on. Thus the family experiences Grief - when the family loses the pleasures of life.

When there is no sharing and caring, it creates lots of Anger . The family's helplessness makes them angrier with just about everything- family, friends, and the world at large. The addict gets angry and shouts throughout the night. The wife starts shouting the next morning. In either case, the other person is not listening. Continued anger becomes deep-rooted resentment.

There is also a lot of humiliation . The drunken behavior of the addict in front of relatives and friends causes embarrassment leading to feelings of low self-worth and deep shame.

Living in such a constantly stressful state produces a lot of Fear - fear of future, of family life, of financial matters, of relationships, of arguments, of the addict's health etc.

These stressful situations lead to communication breakdowns in the family. There is no love, caring and sharing. Instead, in an attempt to hide the emotions, the family experiences terrible Loneliness.

These negative emotions lead to a predictable behavioral response called denial .

As fear increases, the family denies having any problem. They justify and rationalize the situation by attributing all this to ‘too much pressure” or some such external factor. Denial is not lying. It is used unconsciously to control fear and anxiety.

The spouse of the addict usually becomes a good ‘enabler' (enabling the alcoholic / addict to continue with his addiction). In order to show care and concern, and to protect her dignity, she covers up the consequences of the addict's behavior. She perpetually keeps bailing him out of situations to avoid an awkward situation, instead of allowing him to face the consequences of his behaviour. She becomes an 'idea', competent and protective wife, thereby enabling the addict to continue his addiction without taking responsibility.

As a family member, one must realize that addiction is a disease- not a moral weakness, nor a lack of willpower (alcoholics / addicts have immense willpower – they almost always get what they want).

The family member needs to accept this truth. This will help in changing the attitude and approach towards the addict and his addiction. The addict is truly powerless, over the power of addiction. Just as addiction has taken years to develop, recovery cannot happen overnight. Addiction is a progressive disease, requiring professional help.
Some don'ts for the family:

Don't justify the addict's drug / alcohol abuse.
Don't hide liquor / drugs. The addict will anyway know how to acquire more and you will end up frustrated.
Don't argue with the person when under the influence of drugs / alcohol.
Don't attempt to punish or bribe.
Don't feel guilty for the addict's behavior.
Don't treat the addict as a child.
Don't try to control the addict and his addiction. Seek professional help.

Chemical dependency is a family problem, a family ‘disease'. It effects the entire family. Whatever time it takes, recovery is worth all the efforts – for the addict and for the family.